Am I strong enough to recover?

This painting is showing me trying to fight off all the different parts of my life. Just now I don’t feel that I’m managing that at all. In fact, I currently feel completely alone.

I feel that I’m too much for friends and family. I’m also scared of burdening them. I’m told I need to be kind to myself and not take on blame that belongs to others. That is so hard. It is difficult to not blame myself, even though I logically know that no child could be blamed for any type of abuse. Yet in my head I can’t blame my parents. I blame myself. I feel I must have been evil for it to happen. I’m struggling so hard with this.

Just now I feel awful. I feel anxious and depressed with a helping of guilt. I guess I just have to keep trying. Hard as it is that’s all I can do.

No sleep for the wicked?

It’s 5am and this is the third or forth time I’ve woken up tonight. I guess it wouldn’t be so bad if it was just for a minute or two but it’s for hours at a time.

I am exhausted. Mentally and physically exhausted. Why is it that when you need sleep the most your brain decides that it would be best for you to have nightmares and no sleep?

Lately my past has been hitting hard and a med increase is not helping things. I know I have your be the one to pull me out of this but I’m drowning. I’m tired and just want a break.

I long to be looked after and taken care of. To have someone take control and care about me for a while. I want to be put in a little box to sleep lovely dreams whilst someone strokes my hair and the world outside is gone.

I know this isnt going to happen but s girl can dream. I guess what I have to do is just put one foot in front of another until I’m strong enough to do more than survive.

My own hell

I have painted my own hell that I face on earth. It’s based on Botticelli’s painting of Dantes levels of hell.

To me they represent:

1) work

2) relationships

3) anxiety

4) depression

5) past

6) miscarriage

7) suicidal ideation

8) self image

9) internal battle

Too Many Emotions

This painting is showing the intense emotions that I cannot cope with. That I cannot even identify the emotions I am feeling at one time as they are so overpowering. I can’t figure out where the feelings are coming from and cant find a way out.

❀️ is anger

πŸ’™ is sadness

πŸ’š is disgust

πŸ’› is joy

πŸ’œ is fear

Letter from the past

The post brought with it a letter from the past. It was from my mother. Claiming that she has no idea why I cut her out my life. It hurts because I know it’s true. I know she doesn’t recognise what happened and what she did. She doesn’t see the emotional abuse, physical or sexual in the past. She is clouded and still ill.

It hurts, I’m scared and I feel so very guilty. I feel like the worst daughter ever and that I should just beg for forgiveness then run back to them.

It’s screwing with my head. I am not strong enough to do this. I would rather cliff dive. Today I am in a scary place and all I want is someone to help me out of this.

Cliff Edge

Last night was awful. I stood on a cliff contemplating my existence and still death seems so appealing.

I told my wife I need some space to deal with my mental health and really get better. It didn’t go well. I’ve hardly slept and feel like shit. I’m not sure if I just keep hurting everyone and I feel so very broken.

I don’t know who I am but I am scared to find out. What if I am this monster that they all say. What if my parents only abused me because I am evil. What if I find out that I caused all the pain in my life and my parents were just doing their best to help me.

What if I’ve cut off the only people that would always have my back. Maybe it’s ok why they did. Maybe that’s just how my parents are. Maybe the punishments were because I was so bad. Maybe he was just trying to show he loves me. Maybe I deserved it.

I’m so confused.

Grip of Anxiety

I am sick of waking up in the morning to anxiety. The feeling that I’m going to throw up and poop my pants all at once. I take my anxiety meds and lie in bed rocking to try and get some comfort. I hate it. It’s not living. It’s exhausting.

Never feeling rested and scared to sleep due to nightmares and knowing you will wake in the grips of anxiety. I hate anxiety. I have enough to battle with from my past without living everyday feeling nauseated. I get told to battle through but I’m tired. I’m genuinly exhausted.

Nightmares run my sleep showing fragments of a past that no kid should have to live and finding new ways to torture me. Waking up more tired than the last day is getting old really fast.

Distraction works sometimes but I’m so sick of having to fight to just exist and that existence is bloody shit.

Today I want to self harm to calm down and I want to just finish it all once and for all. It’s my life and I know I’m running away but I’m tired and going for the big sleep seems so much more preferable than this constant fight with my head.

Today we found out our cat, my baby, has lymphoma and it was advanced. He’d gone downhill so quickly and there was nothing they could do.

He was my first cat and the best cat you could ever want. He was gorgeous and fluffy with beautiful green eyes. He was a gentle sole that loved a head tickles and dog food!!!

Putting him to sleep was so hard but the best thing for him. It did make me wonder why we aren’t so kind to humans.

Rip my boy. We loved you and you’ve left a big fluffy hole. β™₯

This painting came about as I was asked to paint how I felt. I felt so low that I wanted to die and this was an expression of me achieving that. The window represents the pain I am trying to escape from with only a little hope left. The lock represents the missing key to happiness and the help I need to unlock it to stay fighting. The ghost is my small fear that I may regret it. The skull on the bed represents the bed I was sleeping in at the time where I continually saw skulls. The colours are also from the rooms I was staying in.

This shows that giving in was the option left and it’s very much how I am feeling now. I am fighting it but it is very hard with services telling me I’m on my own.

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